New Zealand’s future is shit!

I was watching Mad Max last night and got a thinking, why is NZ not harnessing the awesome power that is fecal matter?For those of you who don’t know the plot line of Mad Max – Beyond the Thunderdome, here is a quick synopsis:

  • Max (Mel Gibson, before he started hating on Jews) is a rogue traveling through the desert after some sort of massive war. Humans have regressed into pitiful beings forced to trade stuff. All of Max’s shit gets stolen, so he heads to Barter Town to try and get it back.
  • With nothing to trade, he is forced to trade his skills, which are pretty much, being a kick ass killing machine. He makes a deal with Aunty (Tina Turner, when she had an impressive rack) to kill this dude called Master Blaster, which is actually one huge dude and a midget.
  • Barter Town needs electricity, how do they make it? Pig feces! Master Blaster operates this underground power-plant which harnesses the awesome power of methane. Which quite adequately shows the power of power when Master Blaster embargoes the electricity and Barter Town comes to a standstill.
  • Max does some bad-ass shit, they kick him out of barter town. This tribe of kids finds him, he returns to Bartertown, does some more bad-ass shit, escapes on a train blahdy blah blah blah.

The moral of the story is that they’re using an alternative fuel source that NZ is plentiful in: Shit.

This is probably one of DAFT’s less daft ideas, but what would do is harness the awesome power of the cattle beast.

“Hafez and Bouissou (1975) found that grazing cattle defecate
between 12 to 18 times in 24 hours .”(ref.)

“Emissions of CH4 [Methane] from enteric fermentation dominate the sector producing 64.3 percent of CO2 equivalent emissions in the sector  and 31.8 percent of New Zealand’s total emissions.” (ref.)

Now that is a whole lot of shit, and therefore a whole lot of raw power (insert Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor type grunting in here).

Problem: Power shortages, Emissions trade schemes, global warming yadda yadda yadda.

Solution: Collect all animal fecal matter, brew methane, and power NZ. Methane is an even worse greenhouse gas than CO2 so it makes sense that if we capture it before it gets into the atmosphere then our carbon footprint will shrink. Power prices will go down, people will feel better about themselves. NZ will smell better, farmers will make a bit of extra cash for selling shit.

New Zealand\'s future is shit.

It should also be pointed out that cattle produce a whole lot of Nitrous Oxide from their crap too. So for all those nitrous heads, here is a cheap way to get that dizzy faint feeling!

The Emissions Trading Scheme (ETS) is just another way for the fat cats in the Beehive to gain taxes. It will end up costing you, the non methane belching cattle beast a lot of the folding stuff, from your own back pocket.

Which is why DAFT propose the Conventional Restriction on Agricultural Pollution (CRAP). Because over half of our greenhouse gas emissions come from the backsides of animals it makes sense to plug this gap, literally. This would make it a requirement for all livestock to be fitted with a device to capture their droppings and gas emissions. These would have to be installed by a Greenhouse-gas Internment Technician, (GIT), who has taken a course in CRAP compliance. GITs would also play an integral roll in collecting animal waste and inspecting farms. Farmers Annual Rarification Tribunal (FART) would ensure that during the period of conversion to CRAP compliance, farmers would not be shown the short end of the stick.

CRAP would also ensure that NZ reach the goal of being carbon neutral by setting up a local CO2 Amnesty bins where people can deposit their unwanted CO2 for conversion into diamonds, which will then be redistributed back into the general populace by means of lolly scramble.

Other DAFT ideas to harness naturally sustainable resources:

  • Hot air turbines in the debating chamber of the House of Representatives, with mobile hood ranges for public outings.
  • A small hydro generator for every urinal/toilet in the country. Peak production time being 1/2 time of any rugby match.
  • Building on from the governments Push Play policy, a future DAFT government would make spending 30 minutes per day on a treadmill a requirement of citizenship, the energy from all this running would be then feed back onto the national grid.
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One Response to “New Zealand’s future is shit!”

  1. Guido Says:

    I was waaaayyyy to lazy to read all of that, but I saw recently on One News that kids from Epsom are fermenting their own shit, catching the vapors in a balloon and inhaling. Apparently it gets you high, or some shit.

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