Leak in the DAFT Party ignites controversy

Today Mr. Key announced the National Party’s policy on crime. It seems that the policy team of the Nats must’ve had inside word from one of our members that we were releasing a comprehensive crime policy soon.

Of course the DAFT crime policy is based around the removal of the Crimes Act, and the taxation of vice. Mr. Key’s new policy of charging offenders a $50 levy so that they can commit a crime is a watered down version of our Crime Activities Tax (CAT).

DAFT would make it easier for wannabe crims to pay their levy by making the system prepaid as well as account based, for repeat offenders/customers.

There will be a scale of levies for crimes that you can commit, eg: breaking and entering will cost you about $50, armed robbery will around about $75, vampirism $95 and jaywalking will be $500. Each level of crime would require a different type of license. Each license would require the soon to be entrepreneur to sit a different criminal qualification. They would do this by spending time in a prison (because prisons are where all the good tutors are, for committing criminal offences) and paying for their room and board whilst in prison. It is said that prisons are school yards for the criminals of tomorrow, so we might as well cash in on it.

This money would then go into a fund that would help buy the victims fenced goods back from the offender. This is a win win situation for both the offender, the victim, and the ordinary citizen of New Zealand under a DAFT government.

Shame on you Mr. Key and the National Party for stealing a DAFT policy and pawning it off as your own. In reaction to this, the DAFT Party challenge you, and your Justice spokesperson, Simon Power, to a thumb wrestling match (with each competitors hand covered in baby oil) at our next party meeting.  Please be there promptly at 4pm on Sunday April 6, oh and bring the baby oil.


If anyone knows who the leak from the DAFT party is, please inform me. If you feel uncomfortable please do so anonymously by placing a note inside a Coke can with the person’s name, address, measurements, and mobile number, between the feet of the statue of Seddon on Parliament lawn on Friday afternoon.


(Place information here)

The punishment for leakage of DAFT party secrets is instant banishment from the party, and the placement of a full page ad in all major NZ papers, with a picture of the leaker,  and a humbling apology to the DAFT party, with instructions about how to join, to be paid out of your own pocket. In all official documentation the nark will be known by the title of Tattle Tale, and legislation will be passed that makes it necessary for them to wear a green dunce cap for 15 years.


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One Response to “Leak in the DAFT Party ignites controversy”

  1. John Key, the wimp « Says:

    […] Recently the National Party of New Zealand, blatantly stole one of the DAFT Party’s policies. This caused a massive upheaval within the Party. Something had to be done, so we challenged John […]

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