So the congress went ok. Low turn out, but that was to be expected.
So here is what we came up with:
It was decided that we should auction off the right to name the Party on Tradme. Although if this is not successful it is most likely we will go with Aotearoa Nautical Alliance of Laughter, Peoples’ Independent Movement Party or Democratic Aotearoa Freedom Troop.
Most of the policies we discussed became interlocking brush strokes in an overall masterpiece for NZ.
One of the main Policies was turning the West Coast of the South Island into a homosexual holiday Mecca. We would shut down all mines, cease all logging and build massive gay spas, bars and amusement parts. This interlocks with our foreign policy of promoting homosexuality internationally to prevent further explosions in population. With more homosexuals in the world, and with Westport becoming a haven for homos, NZ will rake in the tourist dollars. CHA CHING!
This overlaps with our 0% personal tax policy. The Yet to be Named Silly Party of New Zealand, is dedicated to bringing about a tax situation where you as a consumer would pay NO personal tax. We would go about doing this by creating State Owned Enterprises and Quangos that would have a monopoly on vice. We would have state pornography websites, brothels, drugs, strip joints, poker dens, we would even bring back BZP.
Another way that a Yet to be Named Silly Party of NZ government would fund 0% personal tax would be to take all convicts and put them in a Survivor, no holds barred show. Think cross between Survivor, Jurrassic Park, Lost, and America’s Next Top Model. We would then distribute this world wide.
Another keystone of our policy will be introducing the Anti Anti Smacking Bill into Parliament. This would allow you to discipline your children if you have an NCEA, unit standard, or tertiary qualification in spanking. The YtbNNZSP also promises that if elected to power we will make crime a thing of the past by dropping crime rates to 0%*. Labour, National, The Reform Party have too long put up with crime. They have let it go on and on for over 150 years. New Zealand make the right choice and join the YtbNNZSP.
Other minor policies that feed into the Clyde Dam of the YtbNNZSP are as follows:
- Crime: When they are not competing in the Survivor show we figure that convicts should be put to use doing all the jobs you don’t want to do. This will also feed into our 0% tax policy. We won’t need to hire private construction firms to build our prisons under our new initiative: “Prisoners Building Prisons, TODAY!” We also propose that all legal cases be solved with reference to Wikipedia. We would also institute a Power Rangers type police force.
- Civil Society: Lets face it since the good old days when only land holding white men could vote, NZ has deteriorated (some even say that it reached its apogee before they got here and there was no enfranchisement whatsoever, but that’s another story). The YtbNNZSP promises that we will disenfranchise as many people as possible by only allowing people with IQ’s of under 60 to vote in general elections.
- Aging Population: We plan to conscript all people who are currently retired into the armed forces. Also we would pass legislation that would making aging illegal. State-funded euthanasia of old people done with a Public-private euthanasia scheme (with arenas, lions and shit).
- Increasing Living Standards: This part will guarantee that we will raise the average hourly wage. Allow people to spend less time at work, and provide more holiday leave. We propose 52 weeks paid annual leave per year, 18 years maternity leave, and spontaneous hang over leave. Also we would legislate against the dewy decimal system being used in libraries. All of these wonderful things would be achieved by decimalising time. (10 day weeks, 100 week years etc etc).
- Welfare: A big deal in recent years has been made about parents having access to cheap day care. But what about those parents who aren’t so good at the whole parenting thing… We propose to have subsidised night care for those who would rather get intoxicated than spend time with little Timmy and Jilly. Also we would do away with these pesky laws that promote monogamous relationships by allowing shared parenting schemes (it takes a village to raise a child). State funded masturbation was also a topic that came up (da dum cha)
- Foreign Policy: Since the early 1900’s NZ has had colonial dreams. We propose to annex Fiji, American Samoa, most of the South Pacific (including Australia). YtbNNZSP would also seek closer Economic Relations with Turkmenistan.
- Immigration: All immigrants would be settled in Tauranga. A silly government would also encourage superheroes and mutants who use their powers for good to come to NZ. Just look at Spiderman and the X-Men, totally discriminated against by their governments. Come to NZ we offer you haven.
- Other stuff in short: NZ would legislate to make Pluto a planet again, also we would claim it as NZ territory. State funded laser freckle removal and hair dying products for all gingers. The government would distribute free custard to all house holds. All Carbon emissions will be turned into diamonds and then distributed in lolly scramble fashion to the population at large.
Jackson James Wood was appointed Leader of the party
David Farrar was appointed a non party member Party Auditor, and
Ed Barker was appointed Party Secretary.
This can be accessed by going to this link
There is another meeting this weekend at the Southern Cross Garden Bar. It kicks off at 4:30 on Sunday. This time we will be discussing the constitution of the party.
Please feel free to drop me a line.
Fig. #56: Nicola Kean, Jackson Wood (Party Leader) and David Farrar (Party Auditor), discuss policy over a few beers.
*by revoking the Crimes Act (1961)