Please stop working for the Workers Party, they’re no good. They’re all about sad stuff. We all know that your true affiliation lies with the DAFT Party of NZ. That comical beard, all those witty things you say in your Presidents column in Salient each week, those t-shirts you wear at inappropriate times. The helmets, sailors hats, right down to the way you talk… you’re exactly what we’re looking for in a candidate! We’ll make you smile, and people will realise when you play silly pranks for ineffectual reasons that you’re just DAFT!

Please please reconsider your political leanings

Love,

The DAFT Party Plank

You too can congratulate Boris on his website.

• Max (Mel Gibson, before he started hating on Jews) is a rogue traveling through the desert after some sort of massive war. Humans have regressed into pitiful beings forced to trade stuff. All of Max’s shit gets stolen, so he heads to Barter Town to try and get it back.
• With nothing to trade, he is forced to trade his skills, which are pretty much, being a kick ass killing machine. He makes a deal with Aunty (Tina Turner, when she had an impressive rack) to kill this dude called Master Blaster, which is actually one huge dude and a midget.
• Barter Town needs electricity, how do they make it? Pig feces! Master Blaster operates this underground power-plant which harnesses the awesome power of methane. Which quite adequately shows the power of power when Master Blaster embargoes the electricity and Barter Town comes to a standstill.
• Max does some bad-ass shit, they kick him out of barter town. This tribe of kids finds him, he returns to Bartertown, does some more bad-ass shit, escapes on a train blahdy blah blah blah.

The moral of the story is that they’re using an alternative fuel source that NZ is plentiful in: Shit.

This is probably one of DAFT’s less daft ideas, but what would do is harness the awesome power of the cattle beast.

“Hafez and Bouissou (1975) found that grazing cattle defecate
between 12 to 18 times in 24 hours .”(ref.)

“Emissions of CH₄ [Methane] from enteric fermentation dominate the sector producing 64.3 percent of CO₂ equivalent emissions in the sector  and 31.8 percent of New Zealand’s total emissions.” (ref.)

Now that is a whole lot of shit, and therefore a whole lot of raw power (insert Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor type grunting in here).

Problem: Power shortages, Emissions trade schemes, global warming yadda yadda yadda.

Solution: Collect all animal fecal matter, brew methane, and power NZ. Methane is an even worse greenhouse gas than CO₂ so it makes sense that if we capture it before it gets into the atmosphere then our carbon footprint will shrink. Power prices will go down, people will feel better about themselves. NZ will smell better, farmers will make a bit of extra cash for selling shit.

It should also be pointed out that cattle produce a whole lot of Nitrous Oxide from their crap too. So for all those nitrous heads, here is a cheap way to get that dizzy faint feeling!

The Emissions Trading Scheme (ETS) is just another way for the fat cats in the Beehive to gain taxes. It will end up costing you, the non methane belching cattle beast a lot of the folding stuff, from your own back pocket.

Which is why DAFT propose the Conventional Restriction on Agricultural Pollution (CRAP). Because over half of our greenhouse gas emissions come from the backsides of animals it makes sense to plug this gap, literally. This would make it a requirement for all livestock to be fitted with a device to capture their droppings and gas emissions. These would have to be installed by a Greenhouse-gas Internment Technician, (GIT), who has taken a course in CRAP compliance. GITs would also play an integral roll in collecting animal waste and inspecting farms. Farmers Annual Rarification Tribunal (FART) would ensure that during the period of conversion to CRAP compliance, farmers would not be shown the short end of the stick.

CRAP would also ensure that NZ reach the goal of being carbon neutral by setting up a local CO₂ Amnesty bins where people can deposit their unwanted CO₂ for conversion into diamonds, which will then be redistributed back into the general populace by means of lolly scramble.

Other DAFT ideas to harness naturally sustainable resources:

• Hot air turbines in the debating chamber of the House of Representatives, with mobile hood ranges for public outings.
• A small hydro generator for every urinal/toilet in the country. Peak production time being 1/2 time of any rugby match.
• Building on from the governments Push Play policy, a future DAFT government would make spending 30 minutes per day on a treadmill a requirement of citizenship, the energy from all this running would be then feed back onto the national grid.

As well as the perennial Kiwiblog where we get most of our hits from:

To random blogs that Jackson comments on when he gets bored and sits down and googles the terms: “DAFT”, “politics”, and  “New Zealand”:

Anyways the point of the exercise is that you should comment on blog sites, news sites and mention DAFT as often as possible to everyone till they get so annoyed they threaten you with physical violence.

If you can think of any other possible costs it would be helpful, or if you want to be the Treasurer… I’m not too good with numbers, so drop me an email. Yeah… soo ummm yeah…

We hope to get to the 500 mark very shortly. We will be manning a stall at the Victoria University of Wellington quad, on the 8th of May between 11:30 and 1:30 with membership forms, copies of the constitution, jelly beans and perhaps DAFT T’s available.

If you would like to join, please send us an email, and we will email you out a form to fill in and return to us. Please put ‘Membership’ in the subject field.

Fig. 399) The queues join the DAFT Party stretched all the way down Lambton Quay. They extended so far that they actually breached a hole in the space-time continuum and people were sent back in the early 1900′s.

Becoming an original member of DAFT will give you bragging powers when we take over parliament, and New Zealand. We have fun events, parties, and get togethers and only good can come out of having the DAFT Party as a delightfully entertaining part of NZ politics.

JOIN DAFT TODAY

• More than two people coming
• Watching productive silliness in action
• Meeting new DAFT members
• Drinking alcoholic beverages
• Displaying the DAFT Party tee-shirt in public
• Actually making a party rules and a functioning constitution

The first draft of the DAFT constitution will be up on here soon for submissions, spell and grammar checking and general defilement.

Thanks to everyone who came, and a pox on all you people who did not. Everyone who came to the meeting tonight has been accorded the privilege of being a founding member, which entitles them to life membership of DAFT, or at least until they all get sick of it.

I’m off to throw up now.

Fig. 76.8 ) The design of the offical DAFT T-Shirt. If you would like one please order via email, all sizes, $39.00 + postage, with $2.50 going to Heart Children.

Fig. 76.9 ) DAFT Party leader, J. J. Wood, falls over while modelling the DAFT T.

Fig. 43) The New Zealand flag, although similar to Australia’s, is not the same.

Bring your black singlets, number 8 wire, drums (for making noise), NZ Flags, rugby balls, pet kiwis. We’ll even see if we can get a BBQ fired up (weather permitting).

This is a peaceful celebration of New Zealand sponsored by DAFT. Everyone is welcome, even if you’re not from New Zealand, but just want to give us Kiwis some props for being so darn awesome.

Time and Place

Date: Saturday, May 17, 2008
Time: 1:00pm – 2:00pm
Location: Outside the Australian High Commission
Street: 72-76 Hobson Street,Thorndon
City: Wellington
RSVP to nzsillypartyinthemaking@gmail.com

Any problems on the day please call or text 027CUSTARD. Be there.

It would be nice if you guys commented on here, rather than there!

reid asks:

“What would stop the accumulated quantity of STD interfering with and corrupting the PENIS thus preventing it from a proper performance in accordance with the PEA?”

DAFT replies:

PENIS would be made up of a diverse range of members. Political scientists such as Margaret Clark, states-people like Judy Bailey, comedians like Jerome Chandrahasen, and political commentators like Russell Brown would fill the ranks. Thus making it hard for any two people in PENIS to agree on how to distribute said STD. It is a complete likelihood that people would stop donating to the STD fund after the first election under PEA anyway.

dad4justice asks:

“Can the STD PENIS be cured by PEA?”

DAFT replies:

D4J, me thinks you best consult a doctor.

tuatara comments:

“I would contend that the macroscopic size of the breakfast would collapse this.”

DAFT replies:

Ahhhh sorry your wrong, as is GNZ and Rich Prick. The clarkinchi code has nothing to do with the formula used by penis to distribute STD, neither does Parekura or pi. You’re all working off the assumption (as Mr. Edgeler pointed out before) that this is the whole equation, it is not. It is only the first page. Please send your credit card details to our email and a full copy of the equation will be sent out to you.

Buggerlugs asks:

“What happens when a Variable Algebraic Giant Indicative Normalizable Axis is put into the mix with the PENIS?”

DAFT replies:

We would get all sorts of weird legislation coming out of parliament. Hopefully this will not happen and there is a Criteria ON Differential Ornithoptic Mathematics clause in PEA.

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